Z-Day
by Grayson George
November 19, 2009
With today’s scientific advances and explorations at an all-time high, we need to consider the fact that a viral outbreak might happen. It will be worse than the H1N1 and will produce an enemy that is so horrific, it isn’t even alive. Yes, Zombies. If you are caught in the middle of this day that changes the world, do not panic: just follow these survival steps and fundamentals, and you will escape this hell hole without even a scratch on you.
The first factor you need to be aware of are your surroundings. Always know where your exits, golf clubs, and guns are. Knowing your exits is a key to surviving. Do not even think about following your cousin into the basement because he wants to wait it out. You are sitting ducks down there! Golf clubs- they are the most efficient way of killing zombies. They’re light, have sharp blades, and do not require ammunition. If you’re not a golfer or golf clubs are unavailable, grab a long blunt object that doesn’t weigh very much, such as a baseball bat, a crow bar, or obviously, a sword.
Always have a gun on you. Although guns are extremely effective in killing the living dead, they should be your last option, in that when they run out of ammunition, they’re useless. But if you are at your last resort and guns are all you have, get a little trigger happy. Before you think it's dead, go ahead and put one right between the eyes. The last thing you need is to have your leg bit while walking over a zombie that you thought was deceased.
Now that you are somewhat protected, it’s time to see who has the disease and who doesn’t. Give your buddies a call, but not too many of them. A large group may fight zombies better, but finding food for everybody serves a challenge. If you can gather up five or six of your friends, do so. If you can get a specialist in killing zombies, such as Chuck Norris, try to. But also be aware that you don’t find Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds you. Set a meeting place and get there with as much guns and ammunition as possible, but do so in a quiet manner as not to attract zombies. Once you have all gathered in a safe environment, start thinking about where you’re going to go to wait for all this to blow over. Avoid large cities for the simple fact that more people equals more zombies. That and the living dead are attracted to light-up signs. Concordia’s’ Super Center would be a great place because it is on the outskirts of town. Wal-Mart is a safe place because you could live off the food in there for months, and it coincidentally has an outdoors center loaded with guns and ammunition. It is also a large building with few exits making it safe to guard. And when all else fails you could grow food in the greenhouse section. The best way to get there is to drive. But don’t just get any old car; you’re going to need a truck that has four-wheel drive so you can easily drive over those rotten dead corpses eating other rotten dead corpses during your journey. If you have to steal, well, steal. Surely the zombified monster inside the house isn’t going to care if his truck is missing.
So now you’re ready to take the whole zombie nation on by storm. You have your guns, golf clubs, ammunition and food packed into the F-150 diesel, and even some buds to watch your back. Now before you set off on your killing spree, always check the back seat. Zombies, unbelievably, get smarter, and they know where you can get trapped, so save yourself the hassle. There are certain rules you should follow while trying to face thousands of zombies, and one of them is to not be a hero. In normal circumstances you wouldn't want to try to impress. But hey, if that girl is eyeing you, go ahead and grab that cricket paddle, get a little creative and go get Zombie Kill of the Week.
When you finally reach Wal-Mart, chances are the parking lot and Wal-Mart itself is swarmed with the walking dead. With zombies galore, it’s time to put up or shut up. This is when your gun becomes your best friend. You will need to have one person walk inside the Super Center and scream at the top of his or her lungs attracting as many zombies as possible. After he runs out the doors, the fun begins. Just pick off those flesh eating monsters as they scramble on out the door one by one. Once the place is vacant, board up all doors and windows. If one unlucky trooper in your monster killing fleet suffers from a bite, you might have to do the unthinkable. Although killing your friend is the logical thing to do, there is an alternative. You could tie him to a tree with a gun so he can protect himself for as long as he can. Once zombified, he is no harm to you because he is tied to the tree.
The most important trait when this unfortunate day arrives is simply to have the will to live. Keep calm. Don’t let all the blood, violence, and stress get to your head. If you use these tips and keep your head on a swivel the odds will surely play in your favor. Always live to fight another day.
